There's nothing quite like waltzing merrily through the week thinking you're in a happy relationship -- that maybe you've even met The One -- when out of nowhere the man lowers the boom and utters some nonsense like, I love you, but I'm not in love with you, or, I think we should start seeing other people.
You wake up the next morning hoping the conversation was part of a horrible dream, but the throbbing ache in your stomach tells you otherwise. It's hard to get out of bed. You can't envision your way past this person who decimated you; there's nobody else in the world you could ever love so much.
Okay, you're in a lot of pain, and it's best to acknowledge it. Feel it. Allowing yourself to process it will facilitate healing. But, in the meantime, you just want the guy back. You'll do anything to get him back. What can you do to get him back?
Here's what you do:
Instead, take out a pen and paper and write a contract to yourself that you will do nothing at all to contact the man who caused you such misery. Then sign it. In blood, if necessary.
Here's why: If you call him, text him, or start performing tricks in an attempt to get him back, you will make yourself look desperate.
Desperate = I made the right decision to dump her.
So, Tip One means you don't show up in the bar where your ex hangs out. You will not drive past his house. You must do everything in your power to avoid running into him. You will not contact his friends to enlist their help in repairing your relationship.
You will simply disappear.
Disappearing will give you a sense of control. Will your pain evaporate? I doubt it, but you will gain confidence by having put yourself in a position of strength.
Tip Two is to write a list of all the little things you didn't like about your ex. Be honest with yourself. The man was not perfect. It's too easy to idealize a guy after he's given you the heave-ho. You tend to only remember the good times.
Remember the not-so-good times. Write down all the ways he annoyed you. Maybe he mispronounced words. Maybe he talked over you. Maybe he was cheap or overly materialistic. Maybe he was rude to your friends. Maybe he corrected your grammar in front of his friends. Maybe he criticized your clothing choices.
Once you've compiled a list of your ex's imperfections, tape it to your bathroom mirror. Read it when you brush your teeth. Let it sink in. Consider the possibility that you'll be much happier on your own. Consider the possibility there could be a guy out there who's better for you. If, while you're away from your mirror, you find yourself replaying the good-times tape, put a copy of your list in your wallet. Refer to it as necessary.
Tip Three is to change his name in your phone. All too often, after a guy breaks up with a lovely girl like you, he requires the ego boost of knowing he still has you on the hook. To reassure himself, he may drop you a noncommittal text or give you a call to keep you interested a) in case nobody better comes along, or b) things don't work out with the one who did come along.
Give him a name that relates to one of his imperfections you listed, perhaps Grammar Cop, Embarrassing Tipper, or Muccia Prada. Scroll Pinterest for some funny photo ideas to accompany his new handle.
By changing his name in your phone, you're giving your brain a moment to understand that it's not Prince Charming making contact. It's a guy who ripped your heart in bits and left it to be run over by some 18-wheelers. A name change will help you keep things in perspective.
Tip Four is to alter your environment. Paint a room a cheerful color. Move the couch to another wall. Turn your bed around. Buy yourself some lovely new linens. The goal is to keep signalling your brain that things are different now. You have moved on.
Tip Five is not to speak your ex's name. Excise it from your vocabulary. If your friends bring up it up, tell them you don't want to talk about him. If they're really your friends, they will respect that. Whatever you do, don't get sucked into depressing and unproductive conversations that start with, What happened? You guys were perfect together. I was sure you were going to get married!
Adhere to this action plan for a couple of weeks, and before you know it, you'll feel stronger. You'll be happier too.
But beware: At the exact moment you reach this milestone, it's possible your ex will sense that. He may realize he made a mistake by dumping you. He may swear his undying love and tell you he wants you back.
Whatever you do, don't jump back into his arms.
At the very least, give yourself 48 hours to decide if he's even worth it. Ask yourself: Can this individual love you the way you've come to love yourself? Is he capable of giving you the respect you deserve? Can he contribute to your happiness?
You may decide he's not the one for you. If so, that's good information.
You may also start noticing that suddenly other men are attracted to you. You've been treating yourself with love and respect, and they pick up on that. You'll find they treat you accordingly.